Family violence isn’t something victim-survivors can simply walk away from.
Suggesting that women should “just leave” fundamentally misunderstands the dynamics of gendered violence and ignores decades of evidence. It is a deeply unsafe narrative to push because it ignores the fact that leaving a violence relationship is often the most dangerous time for someone experiencing violence. It is a time when the violence can intensify and the risk of fatality is the highest. Leaving a violent relationship often requires a carefully crafted safety plan from a specialist support organisation, like the Orange Door.
If we consider all of this, then answering the question “why doesn’t she leave?” becomes much clearer – because maybe it was not safe to do so. Maybe the bigger question is: "why doesn't he stop hurting her?"
So let’s explore the question of leaving
Many of us hold on to a limited idea of what violence in a relationship looks like. What comes to mind is physical violence, or sexual violence – something that we believe we can see and categorise.
But that type of behaviour typically isn't the first instance of violence. It usually follows coercive control – insidious behaviour that breaks down a person’s boundaries, instincts and self-esteem to gain control over their independence, autonomy and judgement.
Coercive control is a pattern of ongoing, continuous abuse over time that’s often covert and difficult to identify. It often builds over time – maybe beginning with love bombing and evolving through gaslighting, isolation, financial abuse, and more.
It is violence, and it is no less serious than physical abuse.
So by the time others are baffled that the relationship continues, coercive control has eroded the person’s capacity to see the situation objectively.
Not to mention: this abuse comes from a relationship that most people assume is built on trust, care, and respect. No one expects to be met with violence from someone they love.
Is violence a “two-way street”?
People of all genders can experience violence from family or intimate partners, and this violence should rightly be condemned. We all want to be safe, and we all deserve to live free from violence.
But to call violence a two-way street is no better than agreeing with a perpetrator that “she deserves it”.
What does the data tell us?
Men can experience intimate partner violence from women. However, men and women typically use violence in differing ways. Men’s use of violence is commonly driven by coercion and control, in a repeated and escalating way to exert power and cause fear, often resulting in injury or death.
Where women do cause injury to their partner, this is can often be in the context of self-defense; to keep themselves or their children safe, rather than to control their partner.
We also know:
- Men and boys also experience violence from parents, siblings, their own adolescent or adult children, and other family members. The Victorian Royal Commission into Family Violence showed that the highest risks (including homicide) to men and boys comes from these family members, not female partners.
- 95% of all victims (regardless of gender) have experienced violence from a male perpetrator, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics.
What can we do to prevent violence, instead of victim blaming?
Violence is not inevitable. Violence is preventable. Preventing and ending gendered violence requires us to:
- reject harmful stereotypes and myths that minimise abuse
- challenge the drivers of violence
- hold perpetrators to account
- and ensure victim-survivors receive the safety, support and respect they deserve.
This action must take place at all levels of society: from the policies and systems that perpetuate inequality, to the outdated attitudes we are willing to accept – from those around us, and those responsible for shaping the national conversation.