Housework and family violence are connected by:
- Deeply socialised behaviours, assumptions and systems about gender roles create conditions where violence occurs.
- Harmful gender stereotypes. People who believe one are likely to believe other harmful ideas that can lead to violence against women.
- How easily women can leave a relationship. Men do an average of 12.8 hours a week while women do 18.4 hours, meaning women have less time to make money, act in the community and develop support networks.
When talking about the things we can all do to prevent violence against women, a topic that regularly comes up is sharing the housework. In the first instance, it can sound like it’s not enough; like it won’t really fix anything, or it’s not the same as the “crisis of male violence in Australia”.
So why do we keep bringing it up? The drivers of this violence are many, wide-reaching, deeply ingrained behaviours, assumptions and systems that make up the culture we live in. They include harmful rules about gender roles, and limits to women’s decision-making in the home and in public life. It’s these conditions that allow violence to occur.
Not sharing the housework and mental load isn’t – on its own – a sign of an abusive relationship. But it can be a symptom of deeper assumptions about whose time is more valuable and who “serves” the relationship versus who “provides” in it. These aren’t roles that need to be determined by your gender.
Housework and harmful gender stereotyping
The assumption that women are responsible for housework and care tasks – and the opposite assumption that men aren’t good at or interested in them – is one of the most widespread examples of rigid gender stereotyping in Australia today.
It’s not just an assumption on an individual household level, either – it includes broader things in society like the way cleaning products are marketed, the kinds of work we do outside the home, which parent the school calls when a child is sick, the types of content the algorithm shows us on social media, the expectations we have for what skills our children should learn, and more. Because they are seen as “innate” skills – or not seen at all (read about invisible labour below) – they are often not valued. This also affects the value of feminised industries, and how people in those roles are paid.
Upholding assumptions like this are dangerous; research shows us people who believe one harmful gender stereotype are likely to believe others – like “women should be submissive to men” or “men should have the final say in their relationships.” These are the harmful ideas that underpin violence against women.
Housework and limits to women's independence
When we uphold the assumption (consciously or unconsciously) that housework is a woman’s responsibility – or that she’s magically “just better at it”, so she should manage it – we limit her independence.
Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) data shows a stark contrast in the time men and women each commit to housework, childcare and other domestic activities each day. This then has a direct effect on the amount of time women can commit to paid work (or education) and leisure time – AKA the capacity for independence. That also affects long-term independence by reducing potential superannuation contributions, or the financial ability to leave a relationship if needed.
When coerced or pressured into not working to prioritise household management, this even becomes a form of financial abuse.
Sharing chores in relationships: exploring the mental load
Even in relationships and households where everyone contributes to physical housework, many women feel the pressure of the “mental load” – the planning, organising, noticing and anticipating associated with managing households and families. All the background of daily life like coordinating children’s academic, extracurricular and social lives, or logistics of cultural holidays, or making sure there’s enough toilet paper, or being the one who knows where spare batteries are.
These are things that aren’t always as obvious, but they can tip the load.
None of these need to be the burden of one person – yet it’s the reality for many households.
The four stages of the mental load
- Noticing is the mental space required to notice that something needs to happen, like seeing that the kids’ school shoes are too tight. If only one person is noticing (or expected to notice), they are always on call, scanning the household for needs while the other partner waits to be told what is wrong.
- Organising involves research, scheduling, and logistics, like checking the family budget or the school calendar, having the tools and materials to carry out a task. This is the heart of the mental load, requiring high-level cognitive energy and time, often done while multitasking other responsibilities.
- Doing is the stage we usually call housework: cooking, cleaning, driving, parenting, etc.
- Following up ensures the task was completed successfully, the need was met, and anticipating when it will need to be done again next.
When one person takes on the role of ‘manager’ while the other acts as the ‘helper’, it can shift the balance of the relationship. True respect is valuing your partner's cognitive time as much as your own, and acknowledging that your partner’s brain deserves rest.
So how can you change the way you share housework when you’re already in a routine?
Shifting a long standing routine isn’t about finding the perfect split overnight; it’s about moving toward a partnership where both people feel seen and supported. If you’re not sure how to handle that transition, these five steps will help you in beginning to share the mental load, as well as the 'doing stage' of household tasks.
How to share the mental load and tackle the housework as a team:
- Start with a calm conversation: Wait until you’re both relaxed and free from distractions. You can even read this article together first, if it helps explain where you’re coming from.
- Define the difference between periodic and daily labour: Cleaning gutters or mowing the lawn happens occasionally. They can often be deferred if life gets busy, and they provide a clear sense of accomplishment. Meanwhile, tasks like cooking, dishes, and laundry are relentless. Because these tasks are invisible and ongoing, they are much more likely to cause burnout. True equality often means ensuring these grind tasks are shared fairly.
- Use a neutral guide: Instead of one person teaching the other, use an external tool like Fair Play cards or a family chores app. This allows the tool to lead the change, rather than one partner taking on the emotional labour of being the instructor.
- Aim for task captains: Discuss who will be the ‘captain’ of specific areas (like groceries or laundry). Being a captain means owning all four stages: noticing, planning, doing, and monitoring. Create a shared calendar, keeping everyone on the same page!
- Check-in: Make time every few weeks to review how the new system is working. Use these moments to swap tasks or adjust ownership if someone’s workload or capacity has changed.
- Practice active appreciation: Even if an uneven split is what works best for your current circumstances, never let the labour become invisible. Consistently acknowledging and valuing the effort your partner puts into the home is a vital step in making everyone feel respected. Remember what works for your household might look different to another household – and can evolve continuously.
Watch how the division of invisible labour carries over through society: relationships with housemates, friendship groups, family gatherings, workplaces, sports clubs, community organisations, etc. When we value each other’s time and mental energy as equal, we aren't just fixing the housework, we are helping create a society where everyone can be safe, equal, and respected.
This article was first published in May 2024 and last updated in September 2026.