Everyone has a right to be safe in their relationships, and families and friends can play an important role in supporting the healthy and respectful behaviours that underpin those relationships.
But sometimes, pressures or expectations from our families and friends about who we date and have relationships with can influence whether or not we treat our partners with respect.
Relationships between trans women and men are more common than you might realise, and the number of men who are attracted to trans women is higher again. Many couples have loving and fulfilling relationships that look like any other – including marriage or long-term partnerships, children, and supportive relatives and communities.
But statistically, trans women experience disproportionately high levels of violence from their partner. Like all women, their right to safety is impacted by the gendered drivers of men’s violence against women. Intimate partner violence against trans women can also be driven by transphobia or other negative beliefs that some people have about trans women and their partners. These beliefs can lead to men feeling ashamed and wanting to keep their relationships with trans women secretive or treating their partner disrespectfully.
And because our attitudes and behaviours can be influenced by our friends, families and communities, whether or not you realise you have men in your life who date trans women, your attitudes and beliefs can directly influence their ability to have safe and respectful relationships.
To support healthier relationships between trans women and men, Zoe Belle Gender Collective has developed Transfemme, a set of resources sharing the stories of trans women and the men who date them. Transfemme contains practical tips for having loving, caring relationships, as well as a guide specifically for friends and families of men who date trans women.
Read on for practical ways you can support the men in your life to have healthy and safe relationships.
Treating trans women with dignity and respect
Like all of us, trans women are complex and diverse human beings. They are worthy of love and being a part of our families and communities.
But negative societal attitudes that suggest that the only "normal" relationships are those between cisgender men and cisgender women contribute to men’s violence against trans women. It leads to many men devaluing trans women and driving trans women’s experiences of objectification and fetishisation, rather than recognition as a whole person, and someone worthy of a loving long-term relationship.
Transfemme shows there can be a strong overlap between these transmisogynistic views and racialised objectification or stereotyping, which can lead to even higher rates of violence against trans women of color. For instance, one participant surveyed for the project said, “I like the Asian and the Malaysian (trans women) because they act just like how I think a woman should act ...”. Transgender women, including trans women of color, deserve to be treated as whole people with their own unique personalities and lives rather than being reduced to an object of desire based upon their gender, body, skin color, race or ethnicity.
Whether or not you know men in your life who date trans women, you can support trans women’s right to dignity and respect by speaking about them in a way that affirms their humanity. You can do this by:
- making it clear to the people in your life that you believe trans women deserve to have healthy and happy relationships.
- respecting trans women’s right to privacy, understanding that gossiping or speculating about a person’s trans history, sexuality or relationships can put them in danger
- speaking up against transphobic misinformation.
If you’ve previously made statements in support of trans women, it can make it easier for a man to introduce their trans partner to you, and to enjoy a caring and respectful relationship.
Support men to reflect on harmful ideas of what it means to be a man
There are a lot of ‘rules’ out there about what being a man means, and sometimes the pressure to follow these rules can lead men to hurt the people around them.
Myths in society like ‘men who date trans women are gay’ are untrue and harmful. They reinforce rigid and outdated ideas in our society about gender and sexuality. Men who date or attracted to trans women are a diverse group of people with their own individual experiences and identities. Some may describe their sexuality as straight or heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual – or prefer no label at all! What’s important is to never make assumptions about other people’s sexuality, and to respect their right to privacy.
Some men who date trans women internalise this into feelings of shame, which they misdirect into violence against their partner. In the Transfemme project, trans women shared common experiences of men using humiliation, degradation and force as a way of proving their masculinity.
Instead, you can show the men – mates and family – in your life that there are lots of different ways to be a man, and who men choose to date or love doesn’t make them any more or any less masculine. Tell them you’ll support their relationship with whoever, as long as it’s safe and respectful.
Challenge harmful gender stereotypes and beauty standards
The pressure to conform to society’s beauty standards affects all women. ‘Pretty privilege’ is a harsh reality, and one that can be multiplied for trans women who often feel pressure to ‘pass’ as cisgender or present themselves in a hyper-feminine way to avoid violence, abuse and discrimination.
While some trans women do feel a personal desire to ‘pass’, to others it’s less important. For others, gender affirming presentation can be less accessible because of factors like cost, availability or location. Regardless of whether it’s by choice or by access, a trans woman’s appearance never makes violence acceptable.
Not to mention, policing whether a woman is ‘feminine enough,’ endangers any person who doesn’t visibly ‘match’ beauty standards and appearance norms (which, in many cases, are already limited to Eurocentric standards).
One simple thing you can do to create communities where women’s rights don’t hinge on how they look, is to avoid commenting on other people’s appearance or femininity. If you hear someone else making inappropriate comments about any woman’s appearance and gender identity, ask them to reflect upon why they feel it’s necessary to do so.
Understand that the things we say matter
Jokes are often seen as harmless, but using disrespectful or dismissive language can cause harm. Whenever our experiences are reduced to punchlines that devalue us, it’s dehumanising and can impact our feelings of self-worth. Making trans experiences the brunt of a joke signals to others that trans people are ‘lesser than’ and disrespect becomes the norm. Equally, commenting about any woman’s body and genitals is demeaning and drives violence.
This feeds the stigma and shame in men who date trans women. And because of the shame and stigma, he then may keep it secret that he is attracted to or dates trans women. His friends might assume none of them even know any trans people in real life, let alone that their ‘joke’ could affect someone’s safety.
So instead of letting harmful comments slide, you can lead with respectful language, and cue others to do the same. Doing so can help signal to other people you don’t think disrespectful and abusive comments about trans women are okay.
Welcome trans women into your family or community
When you know that a man in your life is having a relationship with a trans woman, of course the most important thing you can do is to make them feel welcome.
This is important because many men feel like their family and friends will judge or misunderstand their relationships with trans women – or they do experience real discrimination based on their partner’s gender identity. When that happens, they can lose important social and emotional connections with loved ones.
In turn, this can develop into violence when a man:
- keeps their relationship secret, feeding a sense that his relationship is ‘shameful’
- pressures his partner to deny her gender experience, to always ‘pass’, or to not participate in LGBTQIA+ communities or socialise with other transgender women
- blames his partner for losing connections with friends and family.
Pressure can also intensify when families have strong expectations that the purpose of a relationship should be to have biological children.
This situation is compounded when the disrespect trans women face can make them feel they have to ‘put up with’ or ‘settle’ for disrespectful relationships, looking past red flags and coercive behaviour.
They might also:
- have difficulty upholding boundaries and giving affirmative consent
- be at greater risk of love bombing and isolation from friends, family and supportive communities
- feel unsure about where to seek help, or uncertain that they will be believed and receive sympathetic support.
The combination of these pressures can be a recipe for an abusive relationship. Alternatively, your support for the relationship can be a circuit breaker.
Some ways you can support men’s relationships with trans women include:
- sharing your excitement about their relationship, e.g. “I’m so happy you two found each other!”
- showing interest in her, asking questions about her hobbies, work and life
- inviting them as a couple to family events
- including them on group text chats.
Trans women have a right to safe and respectful relationships, and cis men shouldn’t feel shamed or pressured out of an otherwise respectful relationship.
Find out more
The Transfemme guide for families, friends and allies is full of practical information for making safer communities. There are also practical guides for trans women and trans feminine people, and the men who date them. Follow Zoe Belle Gender Collective on Instagram, Facebook and LinkedIn for more insights.
Illustrations from the Transfemme project and Noah Dea for Transfemme.