We often see examples of consent related to new relationships or casual encounters, but it’s important to remember that consent doesn’t become less relevant in long term relationships. Consent and communication help people feel respected and connected with one another, which tells us it’s just as important no matter how long you’ve been partnered up. Whether you’ve been dating for a few months, or married for decades, some essential reminders are below.
Consent is always required
Consent is a legal requirement and a social responsibility in every relationship – yes, even in marriage.
At its core, consent is about gaining permission for something to happen. You already do this all the time in everyday life: asking before posting a photo of someone, or before borrowing their phone. You have a social responsibility to ensure that your behaviour is fitting within someone else’s boundaries.
When it comes to sex, you also add a legal requirement. In Australia, affirmative consent is the legal standard. That means consent needs to be freely and voluntarily given. It needs to be an enthusiastic yes.
And it’s not just about getting a “yes” once. Consent needs to be ongoing and present every time.
Consent challenges still exist
Even in long-term, loving relationships, your partner’s ability to consent can still be impacted – by alcohol, other drugs, or being asleep. No matter how well you know someone, if they’re too intoxicated, or if they’re unconscious, they cannot consent.
Knowing someone well doesn’t remove your responsibility to make sure they’re in a position to give informed consent. Sexual violence can and does happen in long-term relationships, which is why checking in and communicating remains just as important.
You might be good at reading their body language – but never assume
In long-term relationships it's easy to assume consent, especially when non-verbal cues seem to indicate agreement. However, it's important to remember that no matter how well you know your partner, they are still their own person with their own emotions, perspective, and evolving needs. While reading their body language might feel intuitive, it's crucial to recognise that body language alone can be an assumption. Verbal check-ins are essential, even if you think you already know the answer.
That being said, body language can offer clues if something feels off. If your partner's responses seem different from usual, that's your cue to pause and check in.
Boundaries change, and that's normal
Speaking of assumptions, the reason they can fall short is because boundaries aren’t fixed. Just because something was okay yesterday, last week, or a hundred times before... doesn’t mean it feels right today.
Boundaries can shift with time – within seconds, minutes, hours, or across days and weeks – and they can also shift with context. Things like illness, stress, exhaustion, or conversely feeling especially relaxed or connected can all affect someone’s desire or comfort level. Certain life stages and events, like becoming a parent, can also shift a person’s boundaries.
That’s why regular communication matters. Checking in isn’t just about avoiding harm – it’s about showing care, understanding, and respect for the fact that your partner is a whole person whose boundaries may change.
Consent should always be enthusiastic
In long-term relationships, people sometimes say yes (or don’t say no) just to avoid disappointing their partner. But if your partner is just going along with it out of guilt, pressure, or habit – that’s not enthusiastic consent.
Being in a relationship doesn’t mean your partner owes you sex. True consent comes from a place of mutual desire, not obligation.
Saying something like “Should we try…?” or “Would you like to…?” doesn’t kill the mood – it actually enhances it, creating a fun and safe space to explore each other’s desires and deepen the connection.
One of the strengths of a long-term relationship is that you often know each other’s communication style – how to raise something, how to read each other’s signals, and how to check in in a way that feels natural. This means communication surrounding consent should be easier, not less important.
Consent Labs is a youth-led not-for-profit organisation dedicated to reducing sexual violence through evidence-based and engaging respectful relationships education for young people and their communities. Learn more about consent and healthy relationships in their podcast Let's Unpack That... With Consent Labs.