Masculinity and mates: how the pressure to follow the ‘rules’ is leaving us lonely and isolated

Why do so many boys and men feel lonely and isolated – no matter how many mates we have? Why do so many of us still find it so hard to have meaningful friendships?

Daniel Paproth, Lead Facilitator at The Man Cave, explains it like this: 

“There’s such a desire to fit in; be part of the core group. And there’s something, you know, very human and ancient and primal and biological in that: we want to feel safe. We want to be part of the group.”  

But when social norms – AKA the ‘rules of fitting in’ – tell us to keep our problems to ourselves, to not show any emotional 'weakness’, we end up trading authenticity and connection for what we feel is social safety. It can feel risky to be authentic in a world where authenticity is not necessarily rewarded.

Thinking of his own youth, Daniel said:

“I threw away my authentic self – or I never even explored who my authentic self was – because I thought being myself would get me outcast from the group. But all it actually did was lead to some friendships that weren’t in my best interests, or led to me being a mean person myself sometimes.”

Who’s following these ‘rules’?

34% of men surveyed for The Man Box 2024 felt that society tells men to “figure out their personal problems on their own without asking others for help”. 40% felt that society tells us that men “shouldn’t really get respect” if we talk a lot about our worries, fears and problems.

The good news is: the survey also showed that personal belief in these ‘rules’ is lower (28% and 23% respectively) – meaning while we might feel that pressure from society, we get to choose to not live by them, or to force them on our friends. More than that, the number of people who personally agree with these beliefs was lower in 2024 than it was in 2018.  

The pressure to fit in

Jack told us about a time he realised his friendships had become more about fitting in than looking out for each other. 

He shared how taboo it became to show emotion, or affection, or authenticity. “You know, you want to fit in, you want to be cool. So, you sort of toe the line... you don’t want to be the one who becomes the butt of the joke.”

Using alcohol to open up

Alcohol can be a wild-card when it comes to being able to being open with our friends – some of us tend to use alcohol (a night out with the boys, for example) to distract from or ignore the big topics.  

Others find that being a couple of drinks in is the only ‘acceptable’ way to open up or get vulnerable with our friends.  

It’s no secret that neither is a great long-term strategy – working against our mental and physical health... and maybe contributing to a few regrettable actions along the way!  

So exclusively relying on alcohol and other drugs to be able to share our feelings with our friends or deal with tough situations is such an insult to our friends and to ourselves. We are all worthy of sharing, listening and being present. Of sharing experiences, and working out life’s problems together.

Zack told us how, in his friend group, changes in drinking habits can be recognised as a red flag:

 “And you know, we’re like, ‘Oh, you’ve been going out a lot recently. Like, what’s up? What’s going on? ... And then we can say, alright now, listen. You’re coming with us, having a chat. Like, we’re going to sort this out together.’’

What kind of friend do you want to be?

To Zack, that’s what friendship is all about: being present, supportive, open and understanding – really looking out for each other through thick and thin.

“I’m really fortunate to have great people around me. You know, when I’m winning, they’re cheerleaders, and when I’m not doing too good, they kind of pick me up. And if I’m off the rails, they’ll pull my head back in.”

Similarly, a survey from The Man Cave* asked 1900 teenage boys what character traits they deem most important in their friends. 9 out of 10 selected ‘kindness’ and ‘trustworthiness’ as one of their top three – and 2 out of 5 picked ‘kindness’ as their number one value in male friendships.

This doesn’t surprise Daniel:

 “You might expect more of the ‘success’ and ‘wealth’ and ‘popular’ kind of narrative, but we often shown in our workshops that, yeah, boys are just human. And as humans, we value kindness and connection; of course boys are no different.”

How to win friends and influence people

By showing up as the kind of friend we want to have, we demonstrate what’s possible for all of us. So how can we look out for our friends – and ourselves?

Keep checking in

“It’s like taking your emotions to the gym. You don’t just get ripped from going to the gym once – you get stronger from going consistently and continuing to show up,” Daniel says. And when being real with your friends isn’t a strong muscle, it takes practice to build it up. “So if we keep checking in, it becomes easier over time and allows you to go a little deeper.”

Jack agrees. Now that openness is the norm in his friendships, he says: 

“As soon as anything is going on in life, rather than suppressing it and letting it bottle up and get worse, we can just talk about it straight up. It’s amazing how many friends are going through something similar, and can always help you out.”

Find ways to hang that don’t involve drinking  

We can’t rely on drunken nights out as the foundation for strong friendships. Make sure you have a variety of ways to connect with your mates.  

For Zack, one of his favourites is simply carpooling to the gym – singing together in the car and debriefing about their days.  

Share and support each other's goals  

Amongst friends, we’re not competition – we're supporters. Sharing our goals with each other sets us up to help each other reach them.  

Jack says, “We help each other in relationships, hobbies, at work... it’s endless amounts of positive impacts they have on me. I’m glad to have plenty of good influences around me.”

Don’t hide your feelings

Let your friends know how much they mean to you. As She Is Not Your Rehab’s Matt Brown said for the Love U Bro project: “By expressing our love and support to our friends, we are not only strengthening our relationships, but also taking a stand against the stigma that surrounds men’s mental health.”