In short:
What does it mean to be successful? For men, we’re often told its about money, status, looks or how many people we've hooked up with.
But these narrow success markers can hold us back. We talked to men about their views on success and how changing the narrative can help them live more authentically.
From a young age, we're given clues about what's expected of us. Boys wear blue, play with trucks, and when they grow up they’re pilots! Or doctors! Nurses or teachers? Not so much. These ideas set the tone for what's expected in adolescence and adulthood.
There's nothing wrong with trucks or wanting to be a pilot, but what about the boy who prefers teaching his dolls? Or dancing? In the past, that kid learned to fit in or face the consequences. While we now understand the importance of just “being yourself,” we're still expected to outgrow "childlike" or "girlish" behaviors to become successful men.
The success narrative
For men, the checklist for success we’re served is restrictive: successful men are supposed to earn a lot, drive flashy cars, and look shredded.
With the internet, podcasts, and social media, the narrative about what success means for men is evolving - and fast. We're told success is about peak physical fitness, making money through crypto, or having a lot of sexual partners.
In his role as youth advocate, Mawout says young boys feel pressure to make money.
You're not fully a man unless you've got 6 figures.
Boxing-trainer Pharrell says it's a fight you're never going to win
There's always someone out there bigger, stronger, smarter, quicker, richer.
We’re flooded with content telling us how to get richer or fitter and it’s distorting our understanding of what it means to be a man. eSafety explains the how algorithms are shaping adolescents and why it's an unfair fight.
Chasing clout, collecting social currency
Daniel from The Man Cave says the manosphere fuels fear, telling us success is about hustling, dropshipping, looksmaxxing. A whole new lexicon has emerged telling us success is less about how we feel inside, the richness of our relationships, the way we show up for our community and more about the tangible prizes associated with status. This might be getting paid a certain amount, driving the right type of car, having a partner who’s ‘hot’.
It's a restrictive landscape. Toeing the line and avoiding doing anything deemed 'cringe' around your mates means we're feeling internal pressure to repress our true selves and external pressure to perform in a certain way.
There's a whole thing on like, cringe and how it's really uncool to care about something. Like, if you really care about something, it's like, oh, settle down, mate. That's a bit nerdy.
Breaking stereotypes
The pressure to keep up with outdated stereotypes of masculinity is not confined to the internet. It's reinforced by a lack of structural support for men in care roles and a culture that expects men to be primary breadwinners. Caring roles like nursing, aged care, teaching are largely female dominated.
We need to do a better job as a society in terms of how we frame different careers and different jobs. I think the traditional narrative is care jobs are seen as a field for women and working on an oil rig is a field for men. We need more examples of men in different fields.
Man Cave school workshops give young men an opportunity to consider what they’re passionate about and how they want to be in the world. Facilitators encourage participants to understand that while being ambitious, career-focused and enjoying sport are perfectly acceptable and positive traits, problems can arise when they become our only markers of success.
I think if we can start to reframe success in some ways, it's having an internal sense of worth and happiness. Connection with the people around us and our communities. Then we're gonna build happier and healthier young men.
Reframing success
Letting go of the pressure to perform masculinity in some predestined way frees us to make more authentic connections, consider broader career opportunities and develop healthier identities.
For Mawout, life is bigger than those pressures. He encourages the boys he works with to consider how online spaces are limiting their definition of success and harming their mental health.
Manhood to me is an ongoing journey. Being honest. And being loving. That’s what I say masculinity is to me.
For Pharrell, it's about working out who you are on the inside and being your true self.
There are so many forms of masculinity and choosing the right ones for you is about showing yourself kindness and compassion.
Redefining success is not about swapping being the breadwinner for being a hustler; chasing new goals still stuck in some restricted idea of masculinity will just keep us trapped trying to run the same race.
Instead, redefining success is about embracing authenticity. It’s about kindness and compassion. It’s about being yourself, not who they say you should be.
The best part? You get to choose what kind of man you want to be.
What Kind of Man Do You Want to Be?
We asked Victorian men about everything from fatherhood and relationships to online gaming and social media. Hear their stories.