Dating apps are everywhere. Maybe you’re in a relationship that started with a swipe. Or catching up with mates, trading stories about recent dates. The highs, the lows, figuring out if online banter translates into real life connection.
Whether you’re on the apps or near the apps, you’ve probably seen the messy side. Swipe long enough and you’ll notice patterns. A bio that rings alarm bells: ‘If you’re not hot don’t swipe.’ A personality trait that seems coded: ‘I make the rules, don’t try and break them.’
A lot of the initial screening is down to personal preference; the swipe left function is a convenient sorting tool, a soft exit for the profiles you don't spark with. Swiping right? That sorting process requires more consideration. Sometimes what seems like a good match can quickly disintegrate into disrespect.
What do red flags look like on dating apps?
More obvious red flags on dating apps include inappropriate messages like:
- unsolicited explicit pics
- unsolicited sexual messages
- degrading comments
- abusive messages
- pressure to send nudes.
But sometimes abuse is harder to spot. Subtle warning signs might show up as coming on too strong, like:
- love bombing
- pressure to meet up
- pressure to ‘get off the apps’ and be exclusive
- not respecting your boundaries.
Research from The Australian Institute of Criminology found 72% of surveyed Australian dating app users have experienced sexual harassment, aggression and violence in the last 5 years, with one-third of respondents (34%) experiencing online abuse that escalated to in-person abuse.
This study also showed that LGBTQIA+ women, men and non-binary people experienced dating app facilitated sexual violence at higher rates than heterosexual men and women.
The stats don’t paint a good picture, which is why it’s important to learn more about subtle warning signs, red flags and trusting your gut instinct.
What to do when you spot dating app red flags
If you’re feeling uncomfortable with the direction a dating app chat is taking, let the person know: “This has gone from zero to nudes too quickly, I’m uncomfortable”.
If they apologise and respect your boundary, green flag. If they respond with abuse or get sulky, that’s a red flag.
If a new match is pushing you to move the conversation to other platforms, this could be a warning sign. Urgently shifting the conversation to other platforms limits your ability to use the safety mechanisms built into dating apps (blocking, deleting and reporting) and can give the person access to more of your personal information.
So, if this happens, let the person know: “I’m happy chatting on here for now”.
If they respect your boundary, green flag. If the pressure continues or escalates, red flag.
How to talk to friends about dating app abuse
If you are worried about a friend who is receiving abusive, degrading or disrespectful messages and content on dating apps, there are many ways to offer support.
Normalise safety habits
Whether you’re dating, partnered or otherwise, let friends know you’re available to be a check-in person before and after dates, especially when meeting new people. Encourage friends to let you know their plans, send screenshots of their dates profile and arrange ‘home-safe’ check in systems (could be as simple as a thumbs up emoji).
Stay on the app
Encourage mates to keep conversations on dating apps until they’ve gotten to know the person they’re dating.
Highlight the problematic behaviour
Repeat their experience back to them so they can see what you’re seeing: “You mentioned he follows you on Insta, TikTok and Snapchat, and he’s texting you all day long... How does that make you feel?”
Listen without judgement
Avoid lecturing or dismissing their concerns with statements like: “You swapped numbers too soon!” or, “Just block the creep!” Remember that sharing is a good sign your friend senses something is not right. Encourage them to listen to their gut and let them know you care for them and are there if they need to talk.
What to consider before making a profile
Shop around and check out the fine print of each platform’s safety, privacy and security policies before signing up. Some important safety questions to consider:
- Does the app have a clear way to report abuse or block someone?
- Does the app provide viewer warnings?
Do some research before making your profile. Consider these recommendations from eSafety to maximise safety:
- Minimise the amount of personal information you provide on your dating profile
- Be careful about sharing information about the children in your life
- Adjust your privacy settings to suit your situation.
Getting support
If you're being harassed by a person you've matched with online, eSafety recommends the following steps:
- Collect evidence: Screenshot their profile as well as the correspondence for your records. This is an especially important should you decide to involve the police.
- Report harmful content: Report abusive profiles or messages to the online dating platform through their app or website.
- Stop further contact: Use in-app functions to block the person from your dating profile (once you have collected evidence).
Experiencing online abuse while dating can be frightening and traumatic. You are never to blame for someone else’s decision to use technology as a tool for harm. Whatever your situation, you have a right to be believed and a right to access support.
Visit eSafety to learn more.
Across Australia, we have a skewed view of what violence in intimate relationships actually looks like. What comes to mind is physical violence, or sexual violence – something that is much easier to categorise as “not OK”. But that type of behaviour typically doesn’t appear out of thin air. It usually follows non-physical violence – insidious behaviour that breaks down a person’s boundaries, instincts and self-esteem to gain control over their independence, autonomy and judgement.
This post is part of a series getting to know the common types of non-physical violence against women in intimate relationships (red flags), how to spot the warning signs, and how to look out for yourself and your friends.