Breaking up well

Whether it’s a fling or a long-term partner, relationships end all the time. Breaking up can be difficult and emotionally taxing. One thing it should never be is violent.  

For people in abusive relationships, leaving can increase the risk of violence. 'Rejection violence' is seemingly on the rise, with abuse directed primarily at women who swipe left, cease talking or say no when dating online and in real life.

We need to talk about breaking up well, healthy ways to handle rejection and what we can do to keep our friends and loved ones safe.

Break up culture

You've seen the cliches in movies and shows. Woman gets dumped? Cue introspection, ice cream and tears. Man gets dumped? He’s out partying and ready for the next hook-up.

Break up culture is filled with limiting ideas about how men and women are supposed to behave when relationships come to an end, but the reality is a lot more nuanced than the tropes we’re served.

What is closer to the truth is that women are more likely to communicate when they’re going through a break-up, talking about how they feel with friends and family. As with all of life’s tough patches, processing emotions in healthy ways is important.

Sadly, for men the pressure is more often to keep it together, stay in control and act like the break up hasn’t affected them. Instead of talking through how they feel with their mates, young men can instead encourage each other to ‘thug it out’ – ignoring emotional pain, easing its symptoms with alcohol and other drugs, or sleeping with lots of people.  

The 'suck it up, soldier on' mentality not only makes it difficult for men to open up and have real conversations, it also highlights the over-reliance they can place on their partners for emotional support, with no one to turn to when their relationship ends.

Add to this dynamic the realities of online dating. While apps like Tinder, Hinge and Feeld have made it easier to meet new people, they also present challenges like misinterpreting tone and delayed response times, gamifying communication in a way that can make it tricky to make healthy connections.

What is rejection violence?

There is also a gender gap in how we handle being told "no," with men more likely than women to respond with hostility to romantic rejection. Rejection violence is a term used to describe aggressive responses to unreciprocated romantic advances.  

With online dating now mainstream, women report being abused for simply saying no. Its most common form is verbal abuse, but in extreme cases it can be physical and even deadly.  

This abuse is disproportionately targeted at women and has become a normalized experience for younger users. Technology-facilitated abuse like phone tracking has also been highlighted in high profile cases of rejection violence. Many women resort to using indirect strategies like ghosting to cease contact and stay safe online.    

What’s driving men’s overreaction to rejection?

Experts say it's a perfect storm of entitlement, problematic expectations of masculinity and the anonymity assured in online interactions.  

Nobody is owed sex or a romantic relationship. Dating apps, by their very nature, are designed for people to make selections, connect, talk and potentially meet. But currently, women are being forced to prioritise safety over connection due to the high risk of abuse after saying no to someone.

Rather than expecting people to change how they turn someone down, the focus should shift toward building better emotional skills and accountability, helping everyone handle rejection with maturity and respect.

And accountability doesn't stop at an individual level. There is also more work to be done by big tech to make online dating safer for users.  

Building the skills to break up well

It sounds counterintuitive, but the best way to handle rejection is to seek it out. Think of it as building a muscle, by exposing yourself to small 'no’s' in safe settings, you’re training for the big ones. For students, it might mean auditioning for a play or trying out for a team. In adulthood, it’s the sting of a friendship drifting or the silence after a job interview.  

Whether the moment is mundane or major, every 'no' is an opportunity to rally your circle and prove to yourself that you are tougher than a setback. Rejection isn't a dead end; it's an opportunity to Strengthen your resilience.

The Line has great tips on handling rejection gracefully, identifying signs of disinterest, and managing the emotional highs and lows of the search.  

Some no-brainers:

• respect their decision (don’t harass them)
• don't start disrespecting them online or IRL
• don't take it out on others.

And some good reminders:

• talk to your people about how you’re feeling
• do things that make you happy
• socialise and exercise.

How to talk to your friends about break-ups and rejection

Even if you’re not the one going through it, you can help friends and loved ones understand what is and isn’t okay when things end.

Encourage everyone, especially boys and young men to normalize sharing problems and expressing emotional pain in healthy ways.

Pull up your mates who speak casually about stalking , e.g. ‘I saw on Insta/Snapchat my ex is at this house party; I'm going to wait outside for them.’

And when it comes to online dating, speak up if they tell you they’ve sent disrespectful messages when they get turned down.  

You can also talk to friends about proactive safety measures, like checking who can see their location in their sharing settings. For more information on keeping things respectful on the apps, read Red flags: What is dating app violence.

If you or someone you know is going through a break-up and things don’t feel quite right, you can also reach out to a specialist organisation for free and confidential support or advice.  

The sting of rejection is uncomfortable for everyone, and can make you feel sad and embarrassed. But it's also an opportunity to reflect, consider what you're looking for in a relationship and rally your support network to make it through the post-break-up adjustment period in a healthy way.